Anna
Senior Member
the guilty one.
Posts: 412
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Post by Anna on Nov 8, 2008 13:51:20 GMT -5
Something strange was stirring at the pit of his stomach as Peter spoke. He wished desperately that he hadn't asked, and even more that Peter hadn't answered. And now, he had to say whether or not he was okay with it?
Ernest's head was spinning. What was he supposed to say to that? He really liked Peter, and he didn't feel like he should have a problem with it. But he knew it was wrong. Unnatural. Boys weren't supposed to like other boys. It was sin.
But at the same time, Ernest couldn't hate someone for that. Maybe Peter was just...confused. Ernest just had to be understanding. Hate was not the answer to anything.
Everyone is sinful, yet every one is loved by God. Right?
Finally, he his head roughly, and spoke out in a rush. "No -- it's just, I've never met anyone who -- and -- No, it's not b-bad. I mean. I just don't know. I-I'm sorry. It's fine. I shouldn't have -- it's none of my business. I j-just have a bad cough. Forget I said anything."
Ernest's stomach flipped nervously again. "Maybe I should go?" he suggested finally, face flushed.
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Post by pj on Nov 8, 2008 14:06:45 GMT -5
There was nothing wrong with been gay Peter had decided long ago, it was something inbuilt, you either where or your weren't simple as that. As far as he was concerned it wasn't a choice or genetics it was just how the big guy up stairs made you, now weather or not that was wrong or not he didn't know. Religion had never really been apart of Peter's life but he'd always hoped there was someone up there looking out for him even when he did fuck up so bad he spent the night in cell.
But he could tell Ernest was uncomfortable with him and, for some reason it got him down a little. "Listen it's ok...but honestly I don't see this as a big thing. I like kissing boys and you...well what ever you like is what you like." Peter smirked, "But maybe...if I make you this uncomfortable we shouldn't hang out, otherwise you might just have heat attack one of these days." he said teasing but with a hint of seriousness in his voice.
"If you wanna go, don't let me stop you." Peter said simply his gaze back up at the sky resting on his hands once more legs stretched out, "Just seems like a pretty silly thing for you get jumpy about." He said honestly, "but you gotta do what you gotta do Ernie." He left what he said open to what ever Ernest wanted, honestly he'd prefer it if Ernest didn't leave...maybe they could talk this thing out?...or maybe Ernest had been bombarded with hate for anything alternative it wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference.
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Anna
Senior Member
the guilty one.
Posts: 412
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Post by Anna on Nov 8, 2008 14:38:12 GMT -5
Ernest tugged at his own hair. "N-No. I'm sorry. I won't leave. I don't want to leave." He tried to sort out his thoughts in a way that he could explain them to Peter. In logical thought, it was easy to push aside the fact that he was gay. He'd never understood why it was wrong. Just that it was. It was a rule, but some people broke rules. Like some people cussed, or snuck out at night from their parents, or cheated during exams.
No, it wasn't that he was all of a sudden consumed with feelings of hatred or disgust. He liked Peter. That wasn't changing. But now he was even more nervous. He knew he should be -- he knew God would give him uncomfortable, bad feelings to show him that he should have a problem with Peter.
He remembered a sermon one night where his father talked about how people always felt guilty and shameful and depressed after having sex before marriage, and how those feelings were God's way of telling you what you did was wrong.
Was God making him twice as nervous so he would stop talking to Peter?
He looked up at the boy earnestly and tried to explain, speaking slower to avoid jumbling his words into a scrambled mess. "I didn't mean that I wanted to leave because of you," he said. "It's just -- I hate being nervous. I feel sick, all the time, and -- and you just make it worse. No! I'm -- oh gosh, I'm sorry, that sounds rude.
"It's not all bad. I mean, sometimes the nervous feelings I get around people are -- are nice, you know? In mod-moderation. It's exciting when my heart beats fast, and when I get butterflies. But .. all the time? It's like nausea. I c-can't stand it. I wish I were different."
He stopped. Gosh, he was making this seem like it was all Peter's fault. "I'm really sorry. I can't help it. I don't h-hate you because you're gay. It just .. it just gave me a funny feeling, and I'm tired of being c-consumed by these weird feelings my body gets. God," he said, expelling a long breath, "Listen to me ramble on. I don't even know what -- what I'm talking about anymore."
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Post by pj on Nov 8, 2008 14:56:09 GMT -5
Peter listened quietly to Ernest, he felt like his brain was going to explode it was his fault. He always found a way to hurt the people he liked and he could feel his voice shaking with...with anger not at Ernest but at his self. "I think it's best I leave then Ernest, obviously I'm this horrible thing that gets your stomach in knots. God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I make you nervous and, and i'm sorry your religion...no, not your religion. Your family teaches you to fear people like me." He inhaled feeling himself getting lost in his emotion, and he wished he could just shut up now...
but he couldn't, he couldn't stop the word vomit from spewing out of his mouth. Peter pushed himself up onto his knees. "I don't know what your deal is, and I like you ok and I want to be your friend. And if thats all I get then thats fine by be, you curious little guy and you just...never mind-"
He couldn't stop it, not what he was saying and not when he touched Ernest's cheek and let his own lips brush his. Peter pulled back instantly, flopping back and onto his feet. "Fuck, shit wank bollocks!" he exclaimed before turning his back on Ernest. "I think...Yeah I should go...i'm around if you feel like converting me." Peter tried to lighten up his tone and joke a little...but it just came out so, so sad.
Peter waved his hand at Ernest, "cya around Ernie." He closed his eyes tight and stuffed his hands in his pockets and trudged off just a light wind started to pick up. I'm such a fucking dick. He thought to himself feeling his eyes grow heavy and hot.
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